It’s happeninnnnnnnnnnnng!

Chapter 4: The day I became who I was born to be. And also smuggled a human body part (in my head).


We were kings among men in our prime! And now… We made it through the day! Yay! Wah wah waaaaah face from SNL. 

To see where we are, what our job is, we need to look at what moms job is. 

Mom is a god damn super hero! And you know you said GOT DAMN short and loud in your head, or doing it right now.

But I digress. 

We can’t be mom. Mom had a human exit her!  I say this a few times and I have to give credit to Ryan Reynold, he said something similar about his wife Blake Lively. So If I say it again, it’s from him.

Dad held her hand. Trying not to say something stupid and get hit in the dick.

What was dad thinking while the love of his life is going through the most excruciating pain ever? 

Please don’t shit! Pleaseeee don’t shit. My stomach really can’t handle that right now!?  

Bam! Hit in the dick.

P.S. don’t ever ask for a Tylenol for the shoulder and back pain you have from sleeping on that Gitmo Bay chair. 

Sorry I’m back.

Me? It was a ducking whirlwind.-child one- Wife went to work, felt off the entire night (Nurse-Badass) and went to sleep in the spare bedroom, since “I” have a long ass day tomorrow. The “Highly Pregnant, Nurse, after a 12 hour shift”. Open book? I had dinner warming for her, with a some crackers…the big green tin ones? Im not one of those Instagram Try to get likes and shares my “Nurse/Doctor Wife 😍” 

But they are eating a Ham and Cheese, dry ass sandwich with a cup dead ass sprite… the pain gets unbearable!

Soooooo…now I’m driving as fast as I slowly can, hoping you don’t have to delivery a baby in your surbaru.

When I actually get to the hospital, I am just a progression of movements. Trying to not show that I am to excited, happy, anxious, scared. Do I have to pee? Need to make sure the phone is on airplane mode, will I cry? I won’t cry! If I don’t cry am I callous?(not sure if right word, but you get it) Am I already showing I’m not emotionally ready to have a kid, ALL while she is filling out intake forms. She’s got a baby— “Cold-Hearted”! That’s the word I meant, back there for callous— coming out of her but still does the paperwork so you don’t duck it up.

Her water breaks and I start to think. What if something happens with the baby during delivery? What happens if something happens to her? Can I be a single dad? What if something happens to both? What do I have left if that happens? Do I kill myself or do I dare date again years later? I can’t kill myself. Life is worth so much! Lin Manuel Miranda once said “You are perfectly cast in your life. I can’t imagine anyone but you in that role. Go play.” I love that guy!

Baby cries!

Snap back to reality.

You see your beautiful daughter for the first time and you tear up! No one will ever hurt you! I am yours fully! 

Oh yeah the smuggling part… so my wife wanted to really hippie out and get her placenta encapsulated. 

So we get the most google stock photo looking ambulatory cooler ever and get to the hospital. So everything goes as plan, and the nurse goes ok get the bag to put in the cooler. Uhhh we don’t have a bag. So now the nurses are searching for a zip lock bag. 5 min later we get a bag and we are cooking with peanut oil. Yup, let that sink in. Cookie with peanut oil and placentas. I’ll wait so you can fully understand the literary elegance of that sentence. You know what I’ll just write it again in case you missed it. Cooking with.. kidding. My wife thought, I guess, her parents would take it home and put it in the fridge. I’m sorry what? 

So now we have a predicament. Can’t leave it in the hospital, can’t leave the hospital and no one is gonna transport for us. So luckily it was the coldest day of the year so we left that shit in the Subaru for 3 days. So I wait til no one is around and sneak out of the room and to the elevator. So now not only and am i carrying a just birthed placenta in a screaming red cooler, looking like a black market body snatcher, I’m fucking creeping like there’s no cameras anywhere. I make it to the elevator and it’s quick and empty. Man this is gonna be easy. Hit bottom floor and doors close! Sigh of relieeeeefuck me!! Two people hit the button and the doors open back up. Be cool Dan! Don’t say anything weird. DAN, DAN don’t say anything WEIIIIIIIIRRRDDDD!  Nurse and security guard! 

This is how Porns, Horror, Suspense, thriller movies or Fox 5 News at 7 start. 

Didn’t breath for 4 floors. I damn near passed out. But alas made it out. Put it the car and went back in like Danny Fucking Ocean, and spent the rest of the 3 days with friends and fa……………………………………………………mily.  Sorry forgot to pack my daughters snack for school and ate a fruit snack.

I see why I’m alive for the first time in my life. I get to be your dad. I am fully yours. Instantaneous, everlasting and unmatched love at first sight. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

He done lost his damn mind.

Swiss Army Knife